That deep, heaving sigh has a new meaning, a COVID parenting meaning. The stress, anxiety, fear of the unknown and new ways of managing relationships, all take enormous amounts of emotional energy. Then there is the pressure to venture out and physically access essentials, all while homeschooling, lone birthing and amid financial strain. This new way of being is exhausting.
If a parent is to balance the needs of their child with their own needs, then the experience is bound to be more manageable. To this, parents throw their hands in the air and say, “Sure but how?”
Can’t wait for perfect
Our new way of living is really based on the same principles as life before COVID; that is, the parent or caregiver needs to factor in ways to reboost their emotional being. Currently this is even more important. If parents are to provide a healthy emotional environment for their child, then they need to first have the emotional reserve to be able to care for another. Remember the aeroplane oxygen face-mask analogy; you can’t help others until you first have the oxygen to do so. The same is true for parenting. It’s all about balance.
We can also think of it as more as a drip system. If parents try to create hours of self care time, it just won’t happen. Working towards the small moments can, at the end of the day, be even more satisfying and fulfilling. Find what works for you; music, a shower, a moment to read when everyone else is asleep, a luscious treat from the fridge when no one else is watching. It doesn’t have to be big, even five minutes exercise can boost your ‘good feel’ hormones. Drip, drip, drip self care to help balance the constancy and emotional exhaustion of the COVID world.
Where once we relied on family visits, social outings, community and a range of activities to support the emotional wellbeing of parents, we are now required to stay at home. Adult connections are critical to help restore a parents fortitude; Facetime, Zoom, whatever it takes to have the adults connecting with other adults.
How then do parents ensure that their homes can be that safe and secure place where their baby and child can thrive?
Protection for little ones
Sheltering the children from the stressors of the parents and the community. Children don’t need to be sheltered from facts, however they need to be protected from the overwhelming emotions of adults around them. Facts packaged in the blanket of parental protection are necessary to not burden those who cannot process the information adequately.
Being in the moment, truly in the moment with a baby or child, can be far more sustaining for them than hours upon hours of your half attention. Small, devoted, close moments where the pressures of the would do not exist are immeasurably powerful.
Quality moments can provide that sense of security and safety while simultaneously skilling the baby or child to be more tolerant of the moments when you are less emotionally available. One of the huge strengths of that feeling of security for a baby and child, is the growing capacity for resilience and adaptability.
When things in the day don’t go to plan, its called a rupture in the relationship. Rather than falling into a cycle of blame or self deprecation, try to acknowledge it, wonder how it came about and then work towards repairing the rupture in the relationship. This is a completely normal way to navigate times that are less than ideal. Our capacity to wonder “why” about behaviours helps to reduce the emotional drain that is commonly associated with some of our reactive behaviours.
Practical tips for parents
Breathe – seriously, breathe. Long, deep breaths and let your shoulders drop as you heave the breath out. Then, relax the breaths to shorter, lighter, more normal breathing patterns. Keep focused on the breath and how you can slow the intensity of the world with your breathing.
Do this in 20 second or a few minute doses. Let your body feel the drip of relaxation for just a short moment. It is not the answer to all, but it can be a wonderful circuit breaker, especially if you practice it many times, quietly, during a day.
Each individual will have something they can call on, a song they love to sing in their head, a little step that feels like a little dance move or smelling something uplifting. Small ways to reduce your physiological response to stress will help you find the necessary balance to help navigate these difficult times.
Physical distancing is a new and strange way of being. We are social creatures and to be separated physically is challenging, however, it doesn’t mean we need to stop emotionally and socially interacting. In fact, communication in this time of great change is critical. We can think of it more as physical distancing rather than social distancing. Making efforts to communicate with others is not a luxury; it is essential. It is important to make the effort to link with others using Facetime, Zoom or a phone call. Do whatever you can. Staying connected will help you be more emotionally regulated, in turn you can be emotionally available for your babies and children.
We will see an end to this COVID-19 experience at some stage, but for now, we need to focus on the here and now to protect ourselves and our families, both physically and emotionally.
If you are struggling, reach out to connect and communicate with others. Chat with your family and friends will offer an empathetic ear, or book a phone consult time with your doctor, nurse or local phone support services.
We also have a Facebook page with a community of parents that you can reach out to.
Wishing you well with all my heart.
Helen x
Author: Helen Stevens. RN. RM. MCHN. BAppSc. MMHS. Manager of Clinical Services, Education and Research.
Parent Infant Consultants.
Photo by Daniele Levis Pelusi on Unsplash