Years of working alongside families with sleep challenges has taught me a number of valuable lessons.
1. Respect
The single most important thing is respect. Respect for the experience of the struggling parents and their baby or toddler.
It is easy to think that 'fixing the baby's sleep' is the answer, and many approaches to baby and toddler sleep are far from respectful of the baby's or parent's experience.
Sleep struggles need compassion, kindness and most of all, a way forward that fosters the baby's connection with their parent/s.
Setting up kind, predictable patterns that involve the parent responding to the baby and toddler’s cues is a great starting point.
Approaches to sleep don't need to be harsh or involve 'tough love'. They can be kind and respectful of everyone involved and still achieve improved sleep patterns.
2. Exhaustion
The combination of the new physical and emotional demands is extremely exhausting and can be totally overwhelming for new parents.
Supporting a tired parent means being sensitive to their needs, not yours.
Keep visits brief so as to avoid depleting the already low energy reserves of new parents.
Each family and friend relationship works uniquely; be mindful that your support is just that: support. Avoid taking over or undermining the parents developing confidence.
Ask the parents what they would find helpful. If they can't think of something at the time, then support in another non intrusive and non demanding way, such as dropping off a meal or a treat.
Nonjudgmental kindness is supportive for new parents.
3. Listen
Before you launch into your ideas or a solution, listen to the parents, hear them and say little. Yes, you read it right … say little for now.
It is more helpful for someone to feel heard than to follow advice when they are so very exhausted.
Listening intently is often far more supportive than all the wonderful advice you have to offer.
We often think that sharing personal experience is helpful to show how you relate and understand. Instead, just be in the moment with the struggling parent. Listen, to really hear what they are telling you.
It is so easy to slip into sharing your own past. This is not about you, it is about working out the best way to support the tired parents in front of you. Just listen for a while.
There will be time for sharing your ideas a little later, but for now, be present and listen intently to hear, not to compare.
4. Ongoing sleep struggles
Don't forget the tired parents of a wakeful toddler; they too can do with some pretty significant nurturing. Chronic sleep disturbances are something that parents of toddlers don't always talk about. By no means does it mean they are not deliriously tired, and numb with exhaustion, it just means they don't have the energy to talk about it any more.
Drop off a meal or two, maybe some shopping. This can mean the world to these tired parents.
Again, be sensitive, as long visits can be more tiring than helpful to tired parents.
Offering to care for the toddler for even a brief time may be helpful for parents who are just holding it together emotionally and physically.
Kind and helpful gestures go a long way with chronically tired parents.
5. Solutions
Parents often ask for help. Other times advice and solutions are offered anyway.
Resist the urge to tell the parents how to do it better. Sure, they might not do it the way you did or do, but if struggling parents can hear what they are doing well, they can then feel more empowered to trust themselves as parents.
Don't assume you know what is happening for this family, because you have children.
Ask about what might be behind the sleep disturbances, is it the normal wakefulness?
See if you can help the parent think with curiosity, help them to ‘wonder why'.
The temptation to 'fix' is so strong that new parents can often be flooded with the advice and opinions from well wishers. This can lead to complete chaos as the new parents try everything advised, become confused and feel even more overwhelmed.
If, after listening, you want to share your pearls of wisdom, be mindful that your role is to support and encourage, not take over.
Sitting with parents' uncertainty can help them to reflect more on the situation and even find their own solutions.
For those who need additional guidance, the Connect to Sleep (Birth to 1 year) book offers stories about real families who have kindly and respectfully changed sleep patterns to something that works for both the baby and the parents. The Safe Sleep Space book (Birth to 3 years) also includes a guide to settling babies through to toddlerhood and is also available as e-version. You can find all of these here.
While every family and their experiences are different, it is my hope that this helps some of those incredibly valuable people who are supporting families that are struggling with sleep.
Note. I refer to ‘parent’ as any caregiver or caregiving partners.
Skype and phone consultations are currently available for struggling families. For further details go to https://www.helenstevens.com.au/baby-sleep
Author: Helen Stevens. RN. RM. MCHN. BAppSc. MMHSc. Manager of Clinical Services, Education and Research.
Parent Infant Consultants.