Why won’t my 3 week old sleep in the cot?

Well, the cot is a long way from being anything like the lovely place she had prior to the last 3 weeks.

Well, compared to the wonderfully safe and warm place she was curled up in three weeks ago, the cot is a cold and scary thing. She was tightly contained in the womb, and now she's expected to sleep flat on her back, in a cot without your warmth, movement and comforting sounds.

So, I think the question is, "How do I help my baby adjust to sleeping out of the womb?" The answer is...

Little by little

Offer small and supported experiences in the cot to start. Try lying your baby in her cot with your hands over her and with very gentle rocking. Some quiet white noise in the background might help as well.

Don’t expect your baby to be skilled at sleeping in a cot straight away. Most likely, she will only go down in the cot when she's fast asleep.  You can then progress to putting her down when drowsy, and eventually you'll be able to put her into the cot while still awake.

It will all take time, so be realistic because this is something new for her. So offer opportunities to settle in the cot, but be ready for them not to work. If she becomes distressed, pick your baby up for a cuddle, calm her and try again. Only try two or three times at first, and do each sleep for several days to you give your baby time to adjust to the new experience.

Don't let them cry it out

If someone tells you to let them cry so they learn, just remember your baby has a very limited ability to soothe and calm down alone, so leaving het to cry may well end in quiet, and even sleep, buy not because your baby has adjusted and learned how. Rather, if your baby sleeps after 'crying it out', it's because she has fallen asleep exhausted.

Get more baby sleep tips, including step-by-step guides for settling your baby and getting them off to sleep in Helen's book.

Author: Helen Stevens. RN. RM. MCHN. Manager of Clinical Services, Education and Research. Parent Infant Consultants. 0411880720.

Why do I feel so helpless when my baby cries?

There are few things on this earth like a baby’s cry. It triggers an intense need to act, to do something.

When our own baby cries, we feel we should be able to help. But what if the baby keeps crying? We initially feel helpless and often frustrated, and sometimes we can become overwhelmed by the crying and our inability to help our baby.

As caregivers, we are connected to our baby’s feelings and often it's hard to separate them out, but your baby needs you to help them calm down.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, ask someone to help. If you have no one around, get the pram out and go for a walk. Take long slow breaths because your baby needs you to calm down first. 

Babies do not mean to make life hard, so don’t plead with them to stop crying. Rather, have a think about a time when you were distressed - now remove your sense of reason and that's what a baby is feeling - overwhelmed and unable to calm down.

Babies need someone to hold them. They need a warm, calm and comforting body. Babies need the environment to be manageable before they can calm down.

Overtime you will become more skilled at calming and understanding your baby’s behaviours. But in the meantime, be kind to your baby and yourself. 

Got more questions? Book an appointment to speak with one of our baby specialists.

Author: Helen Stevens. RN. RM. MCHN. Manager of Clinical Services, Education and Research. Parent Infant Consultants. 0411880720.

What if I don't have a 'gut instinct'?

Not everyone becomes a loving, intuitive parent the moment their baby is born. This is especially true if the pregnancy or delivery (or both!) were really difficult. If your body has struggled and you are suffering, emotionally or physically, it's completely understandable that you may not instantly bond with your baby. Give yourself time with your baby, so you get to know each other.

Others often think they are helping by taking the baby so you can rest. But it can be better if they help by doing the dishes and give you some quiet time alone with your baby - not time spent feeding, bathing or settling, but just being together.

Moments like this can be very powerful in switching on that connection between mother and child, which may have been lost somewhere in all the ‘pushing’ or post-delivery repair.

Parents should give themselves quiet time with their baby, even if it means having a ‘visit time’ or even asking friends and family to give you a few days to get to know each other before the influx of visitors.

When someone tells you to do something with your baby and you think ‘that can’t be right’, trust yourself because you know your baby best. Your gut instincts are definitely there.

However if you feel like you're not connecting with your baby, don’t be hard on yourself. Maybe think about chatting to someone who can help you work your way through it, so you remain kind to yourself as your feelings develop.

Got more questions? Book an appointment to speak with one of our baby specialists.

Author: Helen Stevens. RN. RM. MCHN. Manager of Clinical Services, Education and Research. Parent Infant Consultants. 0411880720.

I get so much advice I don’t know what to do. Help!

As parents, our instincts and decisions are repeatedly undermined, mostly by 'experts', other parents or others trying to be 'helpful'. But it's often not at all helpful.

What you need is support! So here's my tip - ask those who are giving unwelcome advice to help out instead, by providing meals, picking up groceries or putting out the washing. And ask them to support you, rather than telling you what you're doing wrong. New parents are more than capable of self-criticism - you don't need help with that!

Nobody knows your baby as well as you do. If unwanted ‘advice’ is undermining you as a parent, then try the ‘smile and nod’ approach - be gracious, say thanks and smile as if you mean it, then forget it all and don't let it bother you.

Every baby is different and every family is different, so don't worry about advice that isn't right for your family. Don't waste your precious energy arguing the point or stressing. 

It can be particularly hard for mums in the first few months. Here are some tips to help you through and stay sane.

Got more questions? Book an appointment to speak with one of our baby specialists.

Author: Helen Stevens. RN. RM. MCHN. Manager of Clinical Services, Education and Research. Parent Infant Consultants. 0411880720.

Why does my baby only sleep in my arms?

Calm babies are more likely to find sleep, so it makes sense that when your baby is close to you and feeling safe, they drift off to sleep.

Your baby is instinctively driven to stay close to you for safety and security - it’s a survival instinct. In fact, separation from their caregiver can be very overwhelming for babies. That’s why we try to do it little by little.

How to get them sleeping in their cot

To help your baby learn to sleep in their own space, you can start by cuddling them off to sleep and then moving them to their cot when they're fast asleep.

When they wake, rather than immediately picking them up, try:

• some gentle body rocking or patting while they are in their cot
• talk or sing to them to let them know you are there.

If they cannot settle, it is absolutely fine to pick your baby up, cuddle them and calm them, then pop them back into their cot. Just do it little by little so the cot becomes something familiar and not something to fear.

As your baby grows, so does the capacity to tolerate separation from you, so don’t expect that every baby will know how to sleep in their cot immediately without help.

Get more baby sleep tips, including step-by-step guides for settling your baby and getting them off to sleep in Helen's book.

Got more questions? Book an appointment to speak with one of our baby specialists.

Author: Helen Stevens. RN. RM. MCHN. Manager of Clinical Services, Education and Research. Parent Infant Consultants. 0411880720.

My baby won’t sleep. What am I doing wrong?

Firstly, most parents are doing the right thing, but for some reason their baby isn’t able to respond. So let’s think more about why your baby can’t respond to your attempts to settle them, rather than what you're doing wrong.

Babies become overwhelmed quite quickly. If there is a lot going on in their environment or other people have been around for a while, your baby may just need a cuddle and timeout to help them reboot.

If your baby has been interacting with the world and is now unable to calm down, they may be overstimulated and unable to settle. This often goes hand in hand with being overtired. Look out for tired signs.

Cuddles, skin contact, gentle rocking patterns and your own soothing voice are likely to help a baby who won't sleep. Sometimes a little feed, not for food but for the comfort of sucking can help. Sucking is soothing, so that is why dummies are called ‘soothers’ and 'pacifiers’. It is not the dummy, rather the sucking action that helps the baby soothe herself.

Get more baby sleep tips, including step-by-step guides for settling your baby and getting them off to sleep in Helen's book.

Author: Helen Stevens. RN. RM. MCHN. Manager of Clinical Services, Education and Research. Parent Infant Consultants. 0411880720.

Is it ok to let babies cry?

"I am told babies cry a lot during the first few months, and that it's okay to just let them cry."

The actual reason babies cry is not always known, but it is a form of communication and by responding to the communication of the baby, we teach them that we are both there for them, and together things can be manageable.

More on why babies cry and what to do.

The research

There has been considerable work done on the somatic memory, by S. Porges. In essence, his work reveals that the nervous system has a type of memory, and that when a particular set of experiences occur, the nervous system is aroused. As these events happen more often, the nervous systems rapidly jumps into action because it knows what to do.

Therefore, when a baby cries, they're also learning how to behave and what to expect in response. If their cries are met with care and reassurance, they learn to associate distress with calmness.

In brief, if you comfort your baby when they cry, you calm their nervous system and they learn to settle. So next time, when there are events that would have previously caused great distress, you're baby might not cry. 

Got more questions? Book an appointment to speak with one of our baby specialists.

Author: Helen Stevens. RN. RM. MCHN. Manager of Clinical Services, Education and Research. Parent Infant Consultants. 0411880720.

Should I let my baby cry to sleep?

"Some say I should just let my baby cry to sleep because it’s good for him and helps him learn to sleep. They say all this cuddling and doing everything for him will not help him learn."

You would be so surprised at the number of people who say that.

What the research says

The research is very clear. A baby who has their physical and emotional needs met will learn self regulation over time. If you look at your baby and see they are struggling, the best thing you can do is reassure them that you're there to help. 

You can start with a comforting word to let them know you're near by. If that doesn’t calm them, then you offer more, maybe some gentle patting. And if more is needed, a cuddle or a feed... Whatever it takes to help calm them.

You won't spoil them

This approach is definitely not spoiling your baby. This is called 'synchronous care', and we know it's what helps babies develop a sense of the world as a safe place. This is best gift you can give your little baby. Once they feel safe and confident, they won’t need to stress every time they have a bubble of wind. And you will start to get more sleep overnight. 

Be kind to your baby, and kind to yourself. Do what feels right for you both.

Why won’t my baby sleep through the night like others?

The range of ‘normal’ baby sleep is enormous. Anywhere from 20 minutes to 5 hours is perfectly normal for a baby at any given time.

Babies are not born with the ability to regulate their body - not even their own temperature - so it's unlikely they can wake after 20 minutes and decide those hunger pains or that bubble of wind is something that can wait.

Some babies sleep for hours overnight, but it really doesn’t start to happen reliably until the hormones that influence day and night sleep start to kick in and regulate their sleep. This happens around 5 months when you will see a baby maybe have a 5 hour sleep overnight on a relatively predictable basis.

News flash

5-6 hours sleep is actually the definition of sleeping through the night in much of the research. Not sure about you, but I'd like it to be a little longer! 

Also when someone says their baby sleeps through the night, before you cringe and start asking yourself what you're doing wrong, ask yourself, “Do they feed overnight?" You may be well surprised that the answer is YES and even a few times, but some parents don’t count that as waking.

So keep in mind, you're most likely doing everything right and so is your baby, as you grow together.

Get more baby sleep tips, including step-by-step guides for settling your baby and getting them off to sleep in Helen's book.

Author: Helen Stevens. RN. RM. MCHN. Manager of Clinical Services, Education and Research. Parent Infant Consultants. 0411880720.

Why does my toddler protest SO much at bed time?

The reasons are many and varied, but the bottom line is:

1. they don't want to miss the fun
2. they don't want to be apart from you.

So we need to help them by thinking about the motivation for their behaviour rather than the behaviour itself.

Toddlers need love, guidance and someone who tries to understand them.

Actually we all need that, but often when we are tired we express it in different ways. Our job as parents is to be kind but committed at bed time.

Some tips include:

• Give your child advanced notice that it's bed time in 5 minutes
• Make sure they have some quiet time before bed
• No time on the computer, tv, ipad (any screen) for at least 30 minutes before sleep time
• Try to keep your cool. If you get grumpy how do you expect your toddler to respond?

Get more tips on reading tired signs and avoiding overtiredness. 

It can be tough so be sure you speak with your nurse or another trusted source to help you stay focused on enjoying your family. 

Got more questions? Book an appointment to speak with one of our baby specialists.

Author: Helen Stevens. RN. RM. MCHN. Manager of Clinical Services, Education and Research. Parent Infant Consultants. 0411880720.

My baby is constipated

She can't sleep because of all the grunting. What should I do? I think she is constipated.

First and foremost, constipation means a firm, dry poo. Often babies make a huge fuss about passing a poo but when they do it, it is soft or sometimes runny and you wonder what the fuss was all about.

Small babies may find the sensation of doing poo to be disturbing, so they seem to struggle with the sensation rather than the firmness of the poo. If your baby grunts and groans during sleep but it doesn't wake them up, don't worry!

Some breast fed babies can go for days, even up to 2 weeks without pooing - yet when they do, the poo is soft, so they are not constipated.

A constipated baby has firm dry poo and you need to chat to your nurse about it if that is the case.

Otherwise infrequent poos when baby is breast fed is quite normal.

Got more questions? Book an appointment to speak with one of our baby specialists.

Author: Helen Stevens. RN. RM. MCHN. Manager of Clinical Services, Education and Research. Parent Infant Consultants. 0411880720.

How do I know if my baby is getting enough milk?

Generally you can feel quite confident that your baby is getting adequate milk if they have about 6 'heavy' wet nappies or more in 24 hours. Poos are also a good indication in some babies.

A baby simply can't have lots of wet and dirty nappies if there isn't plenty of milk going in!

My baby wakes up a lot. Are they hungry?

Sometimes little babies can be difficult to read. If you can see and hear the suck/swallow action and you seem to have plenty milk, then it's highly likely your baby is getting good volumes and maybe the frequent waking is not always for food.

Occasionally babies have tummy discomfort that wakes them but they look like they are hungry, so we feed them again, but really we are adding to the discomfort. Sometimes babies just need a cuddle if they have plenty of wet nappies and seem to be feeding well but are waking every 20 minutes or each hour. 

Chat with us if you'd like to know more about your baby's feeding.

Author: Helen Stevens. RN. RM. MCHN. Manager of Clinical Services, Education and Research. Parent Infant Consultants. 0411880720.

Why does my baby feed so often?

Your baby's stomach is tiny. It's about the size of their fist, and only holds small amounts to start with, so feeding frequently is necessary for your baby to gain and maintain adequate nutrition for healthy growth.

Got more questions? Book an appointment to speak with one of our baby specialists.

Author: Helen Stevens. RN. RM. MCHN. Manager of Clinical Services, Education and Research. Parent Infant Consultants. 0411880720.

When is the right time to start a routine?

Babies develop patterns quite naturally as they grow, but their internal regulation system is not fully developed, so regular patterns are impossible for them early in life. This makes a routine very difficult for a baby, and can cause a lot of stress for parents and babies alike.

Sometimes babies may have regular and predictable feeding and sleeping patterns for the first few weeks of life, but that naturally changes as they grow and irregular patterns develop. This can be a rude shock at a time when you're feeling like you have a handle on the situation.

In terms of development of self regulation, babies are really very immature at birth, and it's completely natural for them to have irregular feeding, waking and sleep patterns.

Please don't rush your baby into a strict pattern because it will be awfully stressful for you and baby. If you expect the first 3 months to be filled with changes and a lack of predictability, then there will be no surprises or disappointments.

Don't push your baby into something that isn't natural, especially in the first 3 months. 

Got more questions? Book an appointment to speak with one of our baby specialists.

Author: Helen Stevens. RN. RM. MCHN. Manager of Clinical Services, Education and Research. Parent Infant Consultants. 0411880720.