Why do I feel so helpless when my baby cries?

There are few things on this earth like a baby’s cry. It triggers an intense need to act, to do something.

When our own baby cries, we feel we should be able to help. But what if the baby keeps crying? We initially feel helpless and often frustrated, and sometimes we can become overwhelmed by the crying and our inability to help our baby.

As caregivers, we are connected to our baby’s feelings and often it's hard to separate them out, but your baby needs you to help them calm down.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, ask someone to help. If you have no one around, get the pram out and go for a walk. Take long slow breaths because your baby needs you to calm down first. 

Babies do not mean to make life hard, so don’t plead with them to stop crying. Rather, have a think about a time when you were distressed - now remove your sense of reason and that's what a baby is feeling - overwhelmed and unable to calm down.

Babies need someone to hold them. They need a warm, calm and comforting body. Babies need the environment to be manageable before they can calm down.

Overtime you will become more skilled at calming and understanding your baby’s behaviours. But in the meantime, be kind to your baby and yourself. 

Got more questions? Book an appointment to speak with one of our baby specialists.

Author: Helen Stevens. RN. RM. MCHN. Manager of Clinical Services, Education and Research. Parent Infant Consultants. 0411880720.

I get so much advice I don’t know what to do. Help!

As parents, our instincts and decisions are repeatedly undermined, mostly by 'experts', other parents or others trying to be 'helpful'. But it's often not at all helpful.

What you need is support! So here's my tip - ask those who are giving unwelcome advice to help out instead, by providing meals, picking up groceries or putting out the washing. And ask them to support you, rather than telling you what you're doing wrong. New parents are more than capable of self-criticism - you don't need help with that!

Nobody knows your baby as well as you do. If unwanted ‘advice’ is undermining you as a parent, then try the ‘smile and nod’ approach - be gracious, say thanks and smile as if you mean it, then forget it all and don't let it bother you.

Every baby is different and every family is different, so don't worry about advice that isn't right for your family. Don't waste your precious energy arguing the point or stressing. 

It can be particularly hard for mums in the first few months. Here are some tips to help you through and stay sane.

Got more questions? Book an appointment to speak with one of our baby specialists.

Author: Helen Stevens. RN. RM. MCHN. Manager of Clinical Services, Education and Research. Parent Infant Consultants. 0411880720.

Why does my baby only sleep in my arms?

Calm babies are more likely to find sleep, so it makes sense that when your baby is close to you and feeling safe, they drift off to sleep.

Your baby is instinctively driven to stay close to you for safety and security - it’s a survival instinct. In fact, separation from their caregiver can be very overwhelming for babies. That’s why we try to do it little by little.

How to get them sleeping in their cot

To help your baby learn to sleep in their own space, you can start by cuddling them off to sleep and then moving them to their cot when they're fast asleep.

When they wake, rather than immediately picking them up, try:

• some gentle body rocking or patting while they are in their cot
• talk or sing to them to let them know you are there.

If they cannot settle, it is absolutely fine to pick your baby up, cuddle them and calm them, then pop them back into their cot. Just do it little by little so the cot becomes something familiar and not something to fear.

As your baby grows, so does the capacity to tolerate separation from you, so don’t expect that every baby will know how to sleep in their cot immediately without help.

Get more baby sleep tips, including step-by-step guides for settling your baby and getting them off to sleep in Helen's book.

Got more questions? Book an appointment to speak with one of our baby specialists.

Author: Helen Stevens. RN. RM. MCHN. Manager of Clinical Services, Education and Research. Parent Infant Consultants. 0411880720.

My baby won’t sleep. What am I doing wrong?

Firstly, most parents are doing the right thing, but for some reason their baby isn’t able to respond. So let’s think more about why your baby can’t respond to your attempts to settle them, rather than what you're doing wrong.

Babies become overwhelmed quite quickly. If there is a lot going on in their environment or other people have been around for a while, your baby may just need a cuddle and timeout to help them reboot.

If your baby has been interacting with the world and is now unable to calm down, they may be overstimulated and unable to settle. This often goes hand in hand with being overtired. Look out for tired signs.

Cuddles, skin contact, gentle rocking patterns and your own soothing voice are likely to help a baby who won't sleep. Sometimes a little feed, not for food but for the comfort of sucking can help. Sucking is soothing, so that is why dummies are called ‘soothers’ and 'pacifiers’. It is not the dummy, rather the sucking action that helps the baby soothe herself.

Get more baby sleep tips, including step-by-step guides for settling your baby and getting them off to sleep in Helen's book.

Author: Helen Stevens. RN. RM. MCHN. Manager of Clinical Services, Education and Research. Parent Infant Consultants. 0411880720.

Is it ok to let babies cry?

"I am told babies cry a lot during the first few months, and that it's okay to just let them cry."

The actual reason babies cry is not always known, but it is a form of communication and by responding to the communication of the baby, we teach them that we are both there for them, and together things can be manageable.

More on why babies cry and what to do.

The research

There has been considerable work done on the somatic memory, by S. Porges. In essence, his work reveals that the nervous system has a type of memory, and that when a particular set of experiences occur, the nervous system is aroused. As these events happen more often, the nervous systems rapidly jumps into action because it knows what to do.

Therefore, when a baby cries, they're also learning how to behave and what to expect in response. If their cries are met with care and reassurance, they learn to associate distress with calmness.

In brief, if you comfort your baby when they cry, you calm their nervous system and they learn to settle. So next time, when there are events that would have previously caused great distress, you're baby might not cry. 

Got more questions? Book an appointment to speak with one of our baby specialists.

Author: Helen Stevens. RN. RM. MCHN. Manager of Clinical Services, Education and Research. Parent Infant Consultants. 0411880720.

Should I let my baby cry to sleep?

"Some say I should just let my baby cry to sleep because it’s good for him and helps him learn to sleep. They say all this cuddling and doing everything for him will not help him learn."

You would be so surprised at the number of people who say that.

What the research says

The research is very clear. A baby who has their physical and emotional needs met will learn self regulation over time. If you look at your baby and see they are struggling, the best thing you can do is reassure them that you're there to help. 

You can start with a comforting word to let them know you're near by. If that doesn’t calm them, then you offer more, maybe some gentle patting. And if more is needed, a cuddle or a feed... Whatever it takes to help calm them.

You won't spoil them

This approach is definitely not spoiling your baby. This is called 'synchronous care', and we know it's what helps babies develop a sense of the world as a safe place. This is best gift you can give your little baby. Once they feel safe and confident, they won’t need to stress every time they have a bubble of wind. And you will start to get more sleep overnight. 

Be kind to your baby, and kind to yourself. Do what feels right for you both.

My baby is constipated

She can't sleep because of all the grunting. What should I do? I think she is constipated.

First and foremost, constipation means a firm, dry poo. Often babies make a huge fuss about passing a poo but when they do it, it is soft or sometimes runny and you wonder what the fuss was all about.

Small babies may find the sensation of doing poo to be disturbing, so they seem to struggle with the sensation rather than the firmness of the poo. If your baby grunts and groans during sleep but it doesn't wake them up, don't worry!

Some breast fed babies can go for days, even up to 2 weeks without pooing - yet when they do, the poo is soft, so they are not constipated.

A constipated baby has firm dry poo and you need to chat to your nurse about it if that is the case.

Otherwise infrequent poos when baby is breast fed is quite normal.

Got more questions? Book an appointment to speak with one of our baby specialists.

Author: Helen Stevens. RN. RM. MCHN. Manager of Clinical Services, Education and Research. Parent Infant Consultants. 0411880720.